My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
