Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
