Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
