i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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