seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
