I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
