he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
