dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
