i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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