haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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