Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
