You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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