Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
