Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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