She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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