Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She's just so happy...and so naked.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
