Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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