I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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