This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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