The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize
