Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
