We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
