I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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