I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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