I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
