I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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