I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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