I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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