you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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