I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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