he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
