Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
