It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
