Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
