Banned from zoo.
Again?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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