The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
