i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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