Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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