my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
