I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
