hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
