so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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