I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
