i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How does one acquire holy water?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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