were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
