There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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