Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Let's paint friendship bongs
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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