How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
