Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Randomize
