I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
