I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
