So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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